Are you lonely? Do you sometimes feel you don't get out enough? Do you have trouble forming meaningful relationships with women? If the answer to any of these is yes, you only have yourself to blame. You didn't have to choose a career in IT.
But don't worry: relief is at hand, in the form of www.jailbabes.com, an interesting new concept in on-line dating brought to you by Mr Larry Flynt who, if Mole's memory serves, is the publisher of several adult publications of an educational nature, such as Hustler.
For the very shy or those whose work commitments leave them little time for socialising, dating a Jail Babe may be just the ticket, but for anyone else the service has some rather obvious drawbacks. First is the Babes themselves. Take Shandra, 21, for instance, who describes herself as "very sweet, kind hearted, outgoing and, most of all very loving". Exactly when she'll next be "outgoing" is impossible to say - her release data is listed as ??/??/??. Misty looks like a better prospect, particularly as she'll be out this summer, but she blows it in her profile by listing "computers" as her chief interest. Clearly a dangerous psychopath.
The site has some nice little touches. All of the girls put a tick in the box that asks if they'd mind relocating - of course they wouldn't - and in the unfortunately worded menu we are invited to "search" the girls. Before Mr Flynt launched his public-spirited site, you would have needed to train as a police officer or prison warder before getting the opportunity to search female criminals.
For what he refers to as "handling", Mr Flynt charges $7 per address.
When Shandra gets out, she should make a bee-line for Mr Flynt's office and demand her share of what could be a very tidy sum indeed. If Shandra or any of her colleagues would like to get in touch, Mole will be happy to supply sweet, kind-hearted Larry's address free of charge.
Throughout cyberspace the likes of Mr Flynt are cheek to cheek with the world's cardigan-wearing political correctionists, and it is sometimes hard to know which is worse. There is Corpedia Training Technologies, for instance, offering its "Internet-linked courseware", Kickbacks, Fraud and Conflicts of Interest. This product supposedly trains staff in how to recognise any of the aforementioned, but its real purpose is to provide the companies concerned with new computerised toys for corporate nosy parkering.
A federal appeals court in Maine recently upheld a ruling that makes it illegal to possess child pornography even if it was created by combining innocent pictures of children with more salacious material on a computer.
We are not far from the time when crimes will no longer be defined solely by actions but by thoughts, too. Soon you will only have to imagine being locked overnight by accident in the computer room with the director's secretary and you will be committing an arrestable offence. Harbour murderous feelings for a colleague and you could find yourself sharing a cell with Shandra. Think about surfing porn sites and you'll be in with Larry.
A horrible Email message lands in Mole's in-tray. It is an advertisement for a book on "artistic therapy" by a former alcoholic named George McNamee.
Life, Balance and Hope, a "timely book of poetry and photography" aims to help other compulsive boozers abandon the bottle. What is this vile tendency of the newly reformed to want to help others, when the others are perfectly happy as they are? Besides, the only pleasure to be had from giving up a vice is to despise those who are still afflicted with it. If McNamee gets his way, we will all be sober and there'll be no one left to condemn.
Mole is disappointed at the reaction of readers to his disclosures about the top-secret project at Microsoft to come up with an answer to Linux.
The popularity of the item, headlined It will all be Bolux from now on, claims Gates, only serves to confirm Mole's long-held view that some very vulgar individuals have found their way onto the PC Week circulation list.
Never one to shy away from the job of pandering to readers' tastes, Mole has managed to dig up more about the software that's on everyone's lips.
It's a system with dual kernels, so if one fails the other can come on stream and deliver the appropriate output. On the minus side, installed in the wrong environment, without the right user-protection, Bolux is prone to bugs and viruses. According to beta testers, a lot has been left dangling, possibly due to a loose brief at the design stage. Concerns have been raised after the malfunctioning of President Clinton's Bolux, which many were expecting to see ripped out after a catastrophic system failure that nearly wiped out his presidency. Further nagging doubts have surfaced over claims that Barney the Dinosaur is pure Bolux in its native form.
As usual, the biggest questions are about Microsoft's intentions for the product. You will not be surprised to learn that the company's plans extend to a global version. Mole's sources tell him that Complete Bolux is only months away.
Call 0171 316 9068 for a copy of the Molesoft Training manual, Kickbacks, Fraud and Conflicts of Interest Made Easy. [email protected]
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