Big news from the Sneak camp this week. He has decided not to apply for a $1,600 ticket to the Apple World Wide Developer Conference (WWDC) in San Francisco this year. In fact, he said from behind a filing cabinet, you would have to "bloody drag him there".
No-one wants to drag him anywhere, except perhaps to that place at the zoo where they scrub and hose down elephants, and no one even suggested that Sneak should go to the WWDC in the first place. The news that he was not going would barely have raised an eyebrow had he not made his statement while riding around the office on a scooter listening to greengrass versions of TV theme tunes.
Not invited, probably not wanted, and definitely not in a position to afford it, Sneak is not going because of the impact that the event will have on his civil liberties.
Sneak, you see, has recently adopted some rather trendy characteristics. We suspect that a pamphlet produced by some east London establishment found its way to his office and into his mind, and has, we assume, seized onto the role of office hipster when really what he needs is a hip replacement.
He is wearing a beard that can only be described as roomy, trousers that are too short and could affect his chances of reproducing (a silver lining), a hat at an angle that some spectators have called "provocatively preposterous" and a pair of Google Glass specs. The latter, he says, because they are now retro "like my Zune".
Once this new and unusual Sneak has switched his fixie bike for a desk and a trough of kale soup he lurks online updating a range of social media accounts that he is populating with images of his lunch - before and, sadly, after - and what he is led to believe is a 'selfie'.
Unfortunately for Sneak the informational ‘hip' pamphlet that he picked up includes a repeated misspelling and, rather than take a photo of his face and share it with the world (see selfies), he is taking photos of the office shelves and posting them as shelfies.
No-one follows him online, or indeed in the street - the stench is quite overpowering - so no-one has actually noticed his mistake. He is livid, though, and not just with himself.
To calm him down - it saves on the printers and office plants - we have given Sneak a proper explanation of a selfie, in pictorial form, and provided him with a selfie stick for use at his leisure.
Sneak spent some time getting used to the stick. For a while he hopped up and down on his haunches before using it to attack a black monolith, but within three weeks he had acclimatised to its actual purpose and set about taking selfies like a lost Kardashian.
This, somehow, brings us back to WWDC and one step closer to forgetting about Sneak and his place in the office for another day.
The reason he is staying at home, other than the obvious flight restrictions, is that if he was to attend the event he would be parted from his Google goggles - wearable recording devices are banned - and disconnected from his selfie stick because they are banned too.
"You may not use selfie sticks or similar monopods," Apple said.
"What's next?" he boomed from his office. "Socks and sandals? Man hair buns?"
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