It's a bit early for April Fools jokes, so this straight-faced but clearly bonkers press release from Microsoft must be meant in earnest.

"New academic research has revealed that a simple mathematical formula may provide the key to perfect business partnerships. A London Metropolitan University survey, carried out on behalf of Microsoft, has found that a precise play of variables is at work in business. Followed in the right ratio, they should help guarantee success. The formula (S=0.77T+0.51R+0.17P-0.37C-0.2I+4.4) represents the combination of trust, respect, passion, communication and intelligence required to form a successful relationship. The figures before each abbreviated word identify how much is required of that particular factor to form a successful relationship. 4.4 is the formulae constant."

OK. So, to make use of this formula and, say, form a perfect relationship with Microsoft, Sneak must up his trust level to 0.77 from, well, zero; increase respect to exactly 0.51 from, er, zero again; find some passion about the vendor's products from somewhere; do a bit of communication (but not too much); and - crucially it seems - suppress 80 percent of his intelligence. And then add 4.4. Yes, it really does appear to be a bunch of total hogwash.

24 Mar 2005